Monday, October 7, 2013

Sexy Boobs and Cancer!

In the United States, at least, October is National Breast Cancer Awareness Month. A few activities carried out during the month have drawn criticism, but the easiest one to agree with in my book is the whole odd sexualization thing. If you don't know what I'm talking about, basically people will drop these tone-deaf notes that are like "Hey, boobs are hot and sexy! Let's stop breast cancer, so it doesn't take away those sexy boobies!"  As a guy, I had tended to think that maybe this was just kinda tasteless/clueless guys, or maybe clueless teen-aged girls that would say this kind of thing. Facebook teaches that this is really equal opportunity. Check it!

Woman I went to High School with:
Her teen-aged daughter and mother like this!

  • Sorry, I must disagree! I do not support breast cancer. Classic!
  • (Yes, always remember to put "Awareness", "Prevention", or "Research" after that thing you are against, or else you will look a lil' dumb...)
  • "Set the tatas free"? Isn't someone's mother wasting away due to cancer here? Not to bring anyone down. I know that is a total bummer. I mean, that is a matching bra and panty set, and, like, I'm sure her fabulous boobs would get me thinking about bending her sexy ass over that chair and everything, but grandma just had her breasts surgically removed and I'm having trouble keeping it up. Also, there is this other gal who feels like she'll never be as sexy as the woman in this picture, and she is feeling kinda bad about it, even though she is happy to still be alive. Hotness!
  • October 13th! No Bra Day! That's cool if you don't want to wear a bra.
  • Wait a minute... is there supposed to be a connection between the fight against breast cancer and not wearing a bra? How's that supposed to work? People notice you not wearing a bra and politely inquire, "I notice you usually don a bra, but not today. I was curious as to why that is." Then you would use that as an opportunity to discuss breast health and the importance of mammograms?
Maybe you can make February your sexy body part celebration month, what with Valentine's Day already in the mix, because this is getting pretty awkward!

Until then, I'll be supporting NASA by playing a little Eve Online. Maybe follow that up by fighting erectile dysfunction via furious masturbation.

Just doing my part to make the world a better place.

Tuesday, October 1, 2013

Not Even Approaching Stimulating Debate

I write this as the U.S. Government technically goes into a shutdown. Ideally, people would understand why this has come to pass, and have an opinion on it based on facts and a knowledge of what is really happening. Slightly less ideally, if people did not understand what was happening or why, they would refrain from having a strong opinion on it until they educated themselves.

This, however, is the Social Catastrophe.

I can imagine reasons for disliking portions of the Affordable Care Act, commonly referred to as "Obamacare". Let us go to my Facebook feed and see how close family members are weighing the pros and cons of this complicated piece of legislation:

My Brother or (I hope) his Wife shared Rebel Without A Cause's photo.

Ban Obamacare!!!!

The best interpretation of this? "Hey, I'm just joking around". Actually, I find that interpretation fairly likely to an extent. On the other hand, I also know the political leanings of the potential people who could have posted this.  If it is serious, it is embarrassingly ridiculous. If it is jokey, it still kinda sucks.

If you've read the Social Catastrophe, you know the drill. Breakdown time! I am going to break down this obviously stupid picture. In my head, you are a reasonable enough person that you will think that the stupidity in this picture is so obvious and apparent, that picking it apart is completely unnecessary. It would be like the ol' "shooting fish in a barrel". Again, I would love to agree. Still, Facebook is full of this stupidity day in and day out. Not from some isolated crank ideologue, but from many people you went to school with, members of your own family. I so desperately want the bar to be raised, because sometimes it feels like it's laying on the fucking ground, and idiots are tripping over it. Anyway... let's do this:

  • Before I even research any of the shaky claims in this picture, I wish I knew the sources or time frames involved. I'll see what comes up.
  • Umm, that is not how math works! 603% of 323 is 1,947 (and a bit). I am skeptical of the claims from an unsourced e-card on Facebook, even before it demonstrates an inability to differentiate between percentages and multiples. Isn't that, like, 4th grade math?
  • The statement starts by referring to modern sporting rifles, then switches to referring to assault rifles. Why? Is it claiming these are the same thing? If so, why use one term at the beginning and another at the end? I'm guessing it uses "assault rifle" in the end because it has stronger rhetorical effect.
  • 195,000 deaths are attributed to medical malpractice. The next sentence then attributes these deaths to Obamacare. What change introduced in the Affordable Care Act does the poster attribute these deaths to? Does this number of deaths represent an increase or decrease in the rate of medical malpractice deaths?
Time for me to go to the internet and do a bit of research on these claims. What did I get?
  • The Affordable Care Act was passed on March 23, 2010. Not all of the measures included in it are in effect, and they are rolling out over time. Today, for example, is the day that the insurance market place is supposed to open up at . You can find a fairly detailed outline of the provisions and when they went or will go into effect on Wikipedia at 
  • As for this "323 deaths attributed to to modern sports rifles" figure, it appears to come from FBI statistics for 2011, which can be found here: The number appears to refer to rifles, and not to include handguns, shotguns, other guns, or "Firearms, type not stated". Surely there are more rifles in the "type not stated section", but they are unknown. As for the assault rifles referenced in the crappy e-card, assault rifles are not well defined and there is no such category in the FBI statistics.
  • As for the 195,000 deaths due to malpractice claim I saw many sites, including conservative sites comparing malpractice deaths to gun homicides, refer to a particular article located at . It is difficult to get accurate counts on deaths related to medical malpractice, and I was unable to find any articles or pages referring to trends in this area. I will note, however, that this article claiming 195,000 deaths due to medical malpractice was published in August of 2004. This is 9 years ago, before the Obama presidency and of course before the Affordable Care Act. If one wishes to maintain there are still 195,000 deaths due to medical malpractice per year, it would seem to indicate that the Affordable Care Act is not making this problem any worse.

I bothered to look this all up. Say I presented this information to the person who posted the above e-card. Would it matter to them at all? Would they feel bad for posting this shitty e-card? Is there any hope this person actually cares about stimulating, real debate about the Affordable Care Act? This really sucks, but I'm pretty sure the answer is, "No". Facts do not matter. There is no shame in posting logically incoherent garbage. The post wasn't about the person intellectually engaging or believing in anything. It was just group identification, declaring membership in a tribe. "I am a conservative!" was the intended message. For me to pick apart the meanings of the words misses the point. Hell, it was probably just a shitty joke in the first place!

Why so serious?

Wednesday, August 21, 2013

Reading Rainbow & the Fragility of Civilization

When I was a kid, one of my favorite shows was "Reading Rainbow". LeVar Burton would visit some interesting place where something happened or something was made, and have a conversation with the people who knew about it. This would all be interspersed with book reviews and a story from a book. Like good children's programming, it gave you this sense that you could do anything if you worked to learn about it. Likewise, I think this contributed to me loving Book Fairs in elementary school. I loved to buy Which Way/Choose Your Own Adventure books, and then science books about astronomy, volcanoes, dinosaurs or nuclear power. I was curious about everything.

Children's shows like Reading Rainbow, Mister Rogers' Neighborhood and Bill Nye the Science Guy (who was after my childhood, but totally fits) painted a great ideal picture of the adult world, where people proudly worked at what ever they did and were respected for the knowledge that work gave them. People had good intentions. I got a very positive, kind-hearted science and humanism vibe from these shows. Eventually you grow up and realize that the world is not like this, which is still a sad realization for me some 30 years after I first saw these shows. For the cynical and world-weary, growing up is all about realizing that the world we portray to kids in these shows is bullshit, always will be, and we should learn to deal with it. For me, they represent an ideal to which we should still aspire.

Readers of this blog can probably figure out by now that this blog is basically an expression of my continuing disappointment that the world isn't measuring up to these standards. One of the ways that disturbs me the most is when something happens that provokes people to respond in primitive, bloodthirsty way. It reminds me that we have some functioning social institutions, but there is this savage animal tribalism lurking just under the surface that, in a bad situation, could come out and tear everything apart. In my dream world, when someone calls for violence good people look at each other like, "Oh my! This person has said something beyond the pale. We are civilized people. For shame!" If the person persists, someone steps up and lays the smack down (umm... verbally).

Given the nature of the blog, you know what is coming: An example of what I'm talking about! This exchange from my Facebook feed illustrates how people can react to news of crime. People get outraged and want revenge. I think we can all understand that impulse, of disgust and anger and dreaming of violent revenge on someone who has done something awful to another person. To get all Star Wars, to me, relishing, fostering and inflaming that impulse is straight up "Dark Side". Be careful! Anyway... here is the exchange, with commentary:

Sick mutha Effin people in this Damn world! HANG THEM!

These two people have been arrested in South Carolina, accused of raping a 1-year-old girl in Alpine Township.
They await transport back to West Michigan to face charges.
Man 1: We need the damn death penalty.. Sick people
Woman 1: What is wrong with people these days! Ugh! I would love to be the judge and jury on this one.
This woman implies that "these days" are worse than older times. A common response to awful crime stories is to trot out this idea about a mythical past of goodness and degenerate present. As far as crime goes, the present is actually a good time to live. Since I've been born, homicide rates are the lowest they've ever been, for example. Also, while this is an awful situation, her attitude shows she is ill suited to being either a judge or serving on the jury. We all understand this impulse for revenge! Fight to keep your head!
Woman who Posted: Poor baby :( 
Man 2: sick fucks should die
Man 3: No judge no jury just linch mob save state lots of money
This guy's post perfectly illustrates the dangerous savage impulse I'm talking about. I've even heard such nonsense as "He doesn't deserve a fair trial!" in peoples' outrage at events. The way I see it:

  • Have a lynching: Result - An individual is beaten, possibly killed and tortured, regardless of their innocence or guilt.
  • Have a fair trial: Result - Guilty people still get what we as a society believe they deserve, with the side effect of not killing and torturing innocent people to satisfy our bloodlust. I consider this to be a pretty significant advantage...

Woman 2: Just turn them loose, and tell everyone what they did! 
Woman who Posted: I wanna hang him from his nut sack & then hang her from her fricken neck & cut her fingers off one by one & feed them to him one by one & then burn them both alive! They need to be tortured like this poor innocent baby was & the 14 year old, & how ever many more innocent victims of these sick evil f**ks! Thank God the 1 year old wont remember, but the scars will be there for life :( AND WHERE THE HELL WAS THE BABIES PARENTS???? How could they NOT KNOW from changing the diaper?? MY GOD, IT HAPPENED 2 TIMES! SICK & so very SAD :(

Whoa! Holy shit! If you are giving me graphic instructions detailing your torture fantasy in a public forum where everyone can see, you have fucking lost it. Compose yourself! Also, I find it distasteful that in your hysterical outburst you blame the parents for this, who no doubt feel like shit. You don't know the full situation. You should calm down and let the investigators and courts get to the bottom of this. Our outrage is unproductive. It doesn't help anyone or anything.
Man 2: it makes me so sad that I could kill 
Woman 3: A few hours with big old bubba
It is also shocking how often people, both men and women, will seriously or jokingly call for someone to be forcibly anally raped. Here is a moral lesson I have picked up, and maybe you have heard of it: Rape is wrong. Apparently this woman thinks it is appropriate to rape certain people on occasion. Groovy.

Me in response to Man 3: No judge no jury, just lynch mob? That is scary and dangerous. You need to prove that someone has done something before you punish them for it. Otherwise you can accuse people of awful things and bring a bloodthirsty mob down on them, whether they did something or not. Outrage and lust for revenge should never be permitted to win out over an impartial, fair trial.
I had to just call this out.
Man 3 in response to Me: Ben this is what's the matter with today's fucked up people they wrap it up in court long enough there lawyer will find a way to get them out of it wrong paper work something bleeding heart fuckers oh no can't have a death penalty bull shit is what it is people keep getting sicker and sicker start killing them stupid fuckers off then maybe the rest of them would wake the fuck up open your fucking eyes world 
Man 3 again: Sorry but pisses me off I have a lil girl anybody touches her in anyway sexual or physical I will kill ya!! 
Man 4: I agree Ben, but the article clearly states they have video evidence of them doing the crime. 
Man 5: dont hang them take them tovthe center of town and stone them to death 
Me in response to Man 4/all: Yeah, I agree it looks like a pretty open and shut case. When people get very angry and start advocating for justice like in Saudi Arabia or some backwater village in Afghanistan though and it creeps me out. Those countries chopping off body parts and stoning people in the town square hasn't turned them into crime free paradises. I associate that kind of justice with primitive hellholes I don't want to live in. I understand the primal impulse to want to hurt people like this though, because WTF is in their heads?
On one level, some could argue that these people are just blowing off steam, and I'm taking them too seriously. I admit that it very much could be. This little Facebook entry was not at all unusual. If you follow the picture to its source you will also find an endless stream of people calling for torture and for the justice system to be completely bypassed. It is like there was a civics class and everyone decided we should go with the opposite.

Is it silly of me to ask: What would Mr. Rogers think?

Please, let's try not to be ugly people, even if it can be hard.


(Update: Woman who posted, Man 3 and Man 4 have all "liked" my last comment. Maybe there is some hope... "Butterfly in the sky...")

Tuesday, August 20, 2013

Snopes Bombing Ineffective Against the Bunker of Predefined Narrative

A large contributor to the Social Catastrophe is how little facts and truth matter to people who are in the process of validating or reinforcing their biases. Everyone is susceptible to accepting stories with less examination when they confirm what they already believe. That doesn't mean we are all equally bad at this, however, as this post is about to illustrate!

Dumb Guy shared Shady Person's photo
"How fast can u repost" almost makes this shared photo seem like a test to see who is most willing to suspend their critical faculties the quickest. It is also some of the worst kind of "Culture Warrior" garbage. Am I only supposed to boycott these particular cans, but not Pepsi as a whole? Given all of the messed up shit in this world, am I honestly supposed to care if a company uses the pre-1954 Pledge? Why is any of this supposed to matter in any way?

These questions all crossed my mind when I read this (among others), but they all presume one thing: That this forwarded chain letter was even true in the first place. Of course, it is not true. Pepsi never produced any such cans. This is a sad phenomenon I call "multiple levels of fucked up and wrong". You post something which is false as if it were true. Furthermore, even if it was true, you would still be a tool for more than one reason. This is a dire place to be. I had to respond!

This is incorrect. The facts show that this is simply not true:

Sure, I am being very straight forward. Maybe I could have been a bit nicer about it. Let us consider some possible responses he might have to my debunking correction post:

1. He simply ignores it, and the whole embarrassing post fades into the history of everyone's Facebook streams. This is the option I expected him to take.
2. Embarrassed by the revelation that he has been taken in by a chain letter, he removes his re-post of this chain letter from the feed. I would be OK with this option, had he taken it.
3. He responds to me aggressively, either disagreeing with the facts or my tone. I wasn't expecting this to happen.
4. He responds positively with something along the lines of, "Oops! My bad!" That is a decent option.

Instead he took the saddest option of all:

5. He deletes my post containing the debunking of this false letter, while keeping his post up like nothing happened. 

When facts interfered with his narrative, he made the conscious decision to ignore the facts. That is some immature "The Dog Ate My Homework" level shit right there! Still, just because my post disappeared... I don't want to embarrass myself by accusing him when it may have been a computer glitch. Also, maybe I'll deliver it with a better tone. So, yes! I replied again!

Hey, it looks like this might be a myth:

See! I'm using more informal and softer language. It "might" be a myth, but hey, maybe its true? I've got to make that pill easy to swallow. At this point, I think any of my previous options could be his response again. Additionally, I feel there is a chance he would... "unfriend" me. That would make me sad, because he provides so much good material. He follows up with #5, deleting my post a second time.

Two times is no accident. Oh no! My animal man-brain has been activated! I am filled with a feeling of righteous anger! I'm going to escalate the confrontation! Fortunately, I was not packing a gun:

The fact that you deleted my debunking link twice is intellectually dishonest and shameful. We should strive to spread truth and not perpetuate myths contained in chain letters. If you believe I am wrong, I am open to the evidence. The chain letter you are re-posting is both false and over 10 years old. 
If you had let my comment stand, replied to it, or even removed your re-post, that's all fine. Deleting my posts while letting yours stand seems to say that you think building or maintaining a predefined narrative is more important than the truth, and that is not cool. 
I realize that I am being impolite in continuing to post. Normally I would take the hint from a post deletion and move on. I just think that perpetuating false stories that reinforce our biases is toxic to the national dialogue. We end up arguing over false things rather than real things, which leads to a lot of unproductive noise.
I have no idea if that was a good or bad thing for me to have done. I think that people passing phony BS around makes the world a shittier place. People start making decisions and shaping their politics around this creaking edifice of lies and false information. It seems that the default suggestion is "Just forget about it. People are stupid, and you aren't going to change that." Well, that is just too depressing. It reminds me of a time in my early 20s I told my parents about a guy who thought dinosaurs were a hoax. They responded with, "Of course he does. He's a preacher." 


There is never a situation where I should assume that someone believes dinosaurs are a hoax. I would rather act as if people were not idiots and be disappointed. On the internet, an atheist who assumes preachers think dinosaurs are a hoax gets called out for arguing against a caricature of Christianity that isn't true. So, savvy internet debating will have you treat the issues separately even if they are sometimes connected. No need to confuse the culturally Christian Deist "Prime Mover" guy with the guy thrashing around on the ground, handling snakes and going on about Obama, the Mark of the Beast and the UN Helicopters.

Speaking of...


So, after the previous events this individual left my final comments up without response, interestingly. Maybe he had learned his lesson and would do a little basic research before blindly posting things that are embarrassingly false. That would be awesome.

Uh oh... wait.  This isn't good!

Dumb Guy shared The Australian Tea Party's photo. 
Yeah right in your own state

My first response to this post was, "There is an Australian Tea Party?" My next response was, "You know what? I'll bet this didn't even happen in Dearborn. Let me check." For those of you reading who don't know me personally, I live in Michigan and Dearborn is down by Detroit and is somewhat known for its immigrant community. It turns out my suspicion was correct. This picture is not from Dearborn at all. Time to correct this guy again:

This picture is from Afghanistan, not Dearborn Michigan. This is from a rally held in Kabul on October 25th, 2009. Whoever captioned this picture was misinformed or is lying:
Imagine being a Muslim who fled Iran to escape the Ayatollah's oppression, then being falsely accused of spreading "terrorist ideas" by strangers using pictures of Afghans in Kabul, lying and presenting them as images of people in your neighborhood in Dearborn. That's gotta be pretty depressing. Bleh.

Dumb Guy sadly responds exactly as he did before, by deleting my correction post and leaving his up as if nothing were amiss. He has shown a failure to learn both that a lot of shit on Facebook is unreliable, and that I am capable of noticing that he deleted my post and have shown a willingness to be persistent. He is resistant to engaging in any dialog, yet also resistant to "unfriending" me. Anyway, after noticing his deletion of my post, I post again:

Again, you have deleted a comment correcting a falsehood you are perpetrating. This picture is false. It says, "Hello! This is Dearbornistan, Michigan." It is not. It is in fact Kabul, Afghanistan, as described in this Reuters article:
Pictures like this mischaracterize and further inflame hatred. In fact, commenters on this picture call for Muslims to be rounded up and bombed and call for other acts of genocide. This is clearly repulsive. They tell them to "go home" when the Muslims in the picture are actually at home... in Afghanistan! The fact that their comments are being triggered by a picture which is itself a lie makes this kind of primitive, bloodthirsty, tribalistic and otherwise awful behavior even more frustrating. Again... bleh... just, why?

We've all seen these people, the kind I am describing who left comments on the photo from the originating "Australian Tea Party" site. The kind of angry, conspiratorial people who unfairly and ignorantly stereotype a billion people as terrorist and go on about how they need their guns, and how all of these members of the out group need to be stopped or perhaps even completely killed and wiped out. They are walking next to us everyday in our communities, they are in our families.

When someone mentions rounding up and bombing entire populations, I find that kind of talk to be alarming. It is sadly common, however. "Oh, you know Uncle Bob, he's just a little conservative"  No, Uncle Bob is one of a million little piss-ant Hitlers, oiling up his gun and dreaming of genocide, who sees nothing wrong with saying it publicly at a family function. Maybe he's all talk. At the very least, he is all asshole. This isn't even hypothetical, I have personally had extended family members call for "glassing" an entire country, 3 dudes amicably chatting it over as if they were having a reasonable discussion on current affairs. Horrifying.

So, there is me raging a bit about those kinds of folks. What actually came of any of this? Well, finally, this person has disappeared from my Facebook feed. He both "unfriended" and blocked me. He never once said a word to me. I have no doubt that his behavior of posting factually inaccurate posts will continue, and his response to those pointing out those inaccuracies will be for him to continue to stick his head in the sand, weeding out those who bother him so he can maintain his comfortable world-view unchallenged.

This is the Social Catastrophe.

Thursday, August 15, 2013

The Imaginary Old Days

Adults these days!

Today I would like to discuss another social networking cliche: Saying some tired bullshit to make yourself sound like a cranky old man/woman. It comes with a heaping helping of false bravado and lying to kids!

Exhibit 1:



and on and on...

On some level, I think there are people who legitimately think this is hilarious. For me, this pretty closely ties to "cliche gender humor" which I've said my piece on. Fathers pretend like they are actually all hard-ass, and it is all just a bunch of disappointing bullshit. I understand being nervous about your children growing up and hopefully avoiding mistakes, but..  It is this whole retrograde story about protecting your innocent, sexless women from primitive male fuck animals. How about you raise your daughter with enough wiles to avoid douchey bros, and raise your sons to not be douchey bros themselves? Then maybe we can move beyond this "I'm just a normal middle-aged jagoff who has to pretend he's hillbilly Rambo so the boys aren't feeding my daughter drugs and impregnating her after midnight" situation we are apparently in now.

Exhibit 2:

Yeah, all of the sudden everyone my age is like a completely unfunny Bill Cosby with a childhood from the 50s. We respected our elders and were subjected to an endless string of ass whoopin! Seriously, it is like everyone my age took all of the shit our parents told us and just repeated it. Parents definitely did more physical discipline in my time vs. "kids these days", but I also know we got a lot less of it than, say, my Dad. I was spanked less than 10 times for sure, maybe even 5. None of this would have occurred after age 9 or 10 that I can recall. My parents nor I celebrate it or are big fans of it today.

Maybe all of the ass whooping is why you had an abortion at age 16, a brother getting into fights who spent 5 years in prison, and another brother that smashed his hip up and totaled his car because he was drunk driving, person I know in real life. I'm not saying this because "for shame!", but "for hypocrisy!" Don't worry, I won't tell your kids.

It is important we maintain the illusion that we lived like the Walton family, but with hard discipline and good morals, unlike kids today. The way to raise these kids right is with a big load of bullshit and lies.

Kids: Most adults are fuck-ups. Don't let them fool you. Good luck. You'll need it.

Tuesday, July 23, 2013

Aspect of the Social Catastrophe: People Are Dumb

I'll try to keep this one short. I could do a whole sweeping post about the clearly false things that people post as if they were real, urban legends, and all of that. The best are those times in the past that people have passed them around to everyone at work with a huge broadcast e-mail out to everyone. That is entertainment!

I'm totally a dick and very judgmental when it comes to people posting or e-mailing these kinds of false, forwarded to a million people kinds of alerts or pleas. Each time I feel the need to point someone to , my evaluation of that person's mental capacity takes a deep hit. Needing Snopes dropped on you is one of the biggest reputation killers on my scale (after, like, you know, killing people and stuff).  The impulse that goes from emotion ("I'm pissed!" "That's touching!" "Oh, neat!" "This needs to stop!" "That's scary!") straight to reposting/forwarding without a brain at any point stepping in to do even the most basic fact checking... is a real part of the Social Catastrophe.

So, which one set me off today? We'll see if you can work out just what might be false about this one. It is a real head-scratcher!

Reposted by Friend July 23, 2013. Originally posted on July 15, 2013
"Ok...never believe this stuff but......i posted this on the is the 15th when I came home the mail was a refund check for $374.00 from my old electric company I used over 8 yrs ago....CREEPY BUT TOTALLY COOL!!! And yes...I did say COOL!! Lol!!"

I love that this person seems to be embarrassed that they said the word "COOL". What I also love about this one is that nearly every sentence in it is false. It really packs it in! Let's break it down line by line, because this deserves the most in depth analysis possible.


Fuck you.

"This year December has 5 Mondays, 5 Saturdays and 5 Sundays."

Really? Is that true? How could I ever be sure? Oh wait... everyone is reading this on a device that has a calendar built in. Hmm... let's see:

A picture in which Saturday has clearly become Tuesday!

If I had to guess, I'd say this silly thing must have started last year, in 2012 when the "5 Mondays, 5 Saturdays and 5 Sundays" in December was actually true. The other possibility is that the originator of this message is a malevolent force spreading lies, thriving and relishing in the vast stupidity it has unleashed upon the world. I'll just have to mull that over as we proceed.

"This Happens once every 823 years."

Hmm, now that this message has proven itself to be unreliable... I don't know if I can blindly trust this one... This message wouldn't lie to me again, would it? I have a calender I use to schedule things on my computer, so I said to myself, "Just how rare is this? No way is it a once in an 823 year event! I'm going to guess it happens... 1/7th of the time, possibly screwed up a bit by leap years or something" (Witness the elite mathematics and Sherlock Holmes-like cunning I bring to bear upon the problem!) So, I decided to take a 100 year span, from 2000 to 2100, and see just how often this occurs. Here is what we get:

2001, 2007, 2012, 2018, 2029, 2035, 2040, 2046, 2057, 2063, 2068, 2074, 2085, 2091, 2096

15 times in 100 years is quite a bit more often than 1 time in 823 years... if I have my math right! Just a minute while I divide 15 by 100, and 1 by 823 so I know which is larger!

1/823 = 0.0012
15/100 = 0.15
Oh, and...
1/7 = 0.1429

Yes, Decembers with 5 Mondays, Saturdays and Sundays happen slightly more that 1/7th of the time in this sample. From this time span, it seems that these magical Decembers are over 123 times more common than this message states. Wow!

"This is called money bags."

Come on, now. You're not even trying!

"So share it and money will arrive within 4 days."

I'm going to need to see the peer reviewed study on this! Surely you have some evidence?

"Based on Chinese Feng Shui."

Oh! Well, then... Can I just stop and say that Chinese Feng Shui is my favorite Feng Shui? To get back to business though... let's see, this Money Bags magical December concept is based on Feng Shui, eh? The one that is about arranging your house and furniture correctly so that the winds of chi flow properly? Of course, I'm just a silly westerner. Turns out that Wikipedia tells me Feng Shui is about a little more than arranging furniture (but not much). I'm not seeing anything about auspicious Decembers, and the ancient Chinese tradition of chain letters, e-mail forwardings, and social media reposting, but I'm an amateur. It looks like there may even be evidence that Feng Shui has existed in some form for at least 3500 years, perhaps even as early as 4000 B.C.! But wait a minute!

Gregorian Calendar: The calendaring system we use now. It is a solar calendar which was created as an alteration to the Julian Calendar in 1582 A.D.
Chinese Calendar: A lunisolar calendaring system that has seen its fair share of alterations since it was 1st known to appear somewhere around 1300 B.C.

It is not looking like those are going to line up so well. Maybe the mysterious masters of Feng Shui have been using the Gregorian Calendar or an exact equivalent since the time of fucking Ramesses the Great who was out kicking ass and building shit in Ancient Egypt at the time.

Color me skeptical.

"The one who does not share, will be without money."

Is that what they say in the Feng Shui? Excuse me, I have unanswered questions here!

"Share within 11 minutes of reading."

If I want to look like a big dummy!

"Can't hurt so I did it."

The biggest lie of all. It did hurt. It hurts bad. You never should have posted this where others would see. You even used to have a reputation for being good at math in High School. Now we all know.

Fuck, dude.

(Update: I chatted with him later and he realized the error of this all unprompted by me. He's also consistently been on the right side of some later Social Catastrophes. Rock on! Also, yay!)


* Promised fun not actually included.

Thursday, July 18, 2013

Stock Humor

Today we talk about Stock Humor! This is when you take something someone thought was funny once and that we've all heard a million times before, and decide the world would be a better place if we heard it a million and one times instead. Now, humor is subjective and we aren't all going to agree on this, but... that isn't going to stop me!

Consider this cutting edge observation from my Facebook feed:

OMG, that is hilarious! So, true! It reminds me of that time my grandfather took care of my grandmother after she lost both of her legs to blood clots and diabetes.

OK, maybe that was a little dark... (and true, and not as dark as the whole story, actually...), but I thought it would be more fun to go this route rather than just say "Fuck you, get a better husband!"

Gender humor is one of the worst offenders when it comes to played-out bullshit I never need to hear again. Sometimes this garbage resides somewhere between bad humor and bad wisdom, where some old dude is like, "Hey Sonny, a broad can never have too many pairs of shoes!" or "When she asks you 'Do I look fat in this?' you (fill in the fucking blank)". Thanks Pops! "My girlfriend just got back from shopping and wants to talk about our relationship. Men don't want to talk about their feelings! Especially when we're watching the big game, havin' a Bud!" Cool Bro!

On an arguably immature level, bad gender humor is part of the reason I'm not watching the big game, havin' a Bud, because fuck all of that.

I ain't gonna be part of your system! Welcome to the real world, jackass!

In fact, I have someone in my department at work who is engaged. Today I was stuck in my cubicle and was forced to endure an excruciatingly long "Yes, dear!" style "Remember that she's always right." "A happy wife is a happy life" type conversation, and the subsequent... apparently sincere laughter. I actually was saying out loud to myself, "Oh, Jesus". Unfortunately it was the second completely stock conversation I had to endure that day. The other was the "This person has a swollen eye-lid. That's worth 20 minutes of stock bullshit we'll ask, say and laugh about!" conversation. I'm sure you know how it goes. We all do.

I think my problem is that I am reading this all wrong. It is not meant to be true humor, but some kind of fake humor that is meant to function the same as small talk. Instead of joining in with the group I instead have this voice in my head that is screaming something kinda of along the lines of "Fucking die!" This incessant voice is interfering with my ability to properly socialize with other human beings.

Still, I say this, but real stand up comedians pop out this same drivel endlessly. I expect a comedian to... be creative. Much like I do not go to live concerts to see a recital of "Hot Cross Buns" I do not listen to comedians to hear "Guys get off and fall asleep right afterwards!"

Also, is there some way we can deal with these "Oh, he's French? I'm surprised he didn't surrender when you rang the doorbell!" assholes? It is my secret hope that Charles de Gaulle trained a cadre of assassins to track down and maim these folks. I know this paragraph is... out of the blue, but I just had to say it. Anyway...

I guess what bothers me the most about stock humor is the flat mundanity. Supposedly funny things should not make me feel dead inside. Idiot man-children and insecure nags, with their stock interests. A public conversation where people fall in line and play along with these shitty roles.

It is the opposite of magical.

It is the opposite of fun.